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melancholySo, after surviving a bout of the cold/flu (? same diff I guess) I have finally managed to a) post the parcel and b) finish my dress. In fact, I'd just hanged it in the bathroom near the heater then. Although I am happy with the end result, somehow the feeling of satisfaction is lost on me lately. It wasn't like the previous projects I've completed; the feeling was kind of hard to explain. I fear that I may one day lose the joy I have making clothes, or the motivation to start new projects. I've been mulling over the thought for a while, but still devastation would probably lightly describe how I'd feel if that ever happened. Maybe I'm just in a slump.
Some other thoughts have been bothering me lately too. It seems like I'm the only one, beside from C, who doesn't want a love interest at the moment. For instance, a friend (let's call her P) whom I've known for quite a while and chat regularly has now somehow become a romantic of some sort. It had just been a year and a bit ago that we were together, talking and laughing about Jrockers/Viskei and their peculiarities and how Saga's latest FM shot left nothing to the imagination. It was those moments that I truly felt made my high school years so memorable and endearing.
Time goes by, she went her ways after yr 12 while I was still doing my VCE. We still met up occasionally, but otherwise chatted mainly over MSN. But soon, I discovered some sort of tension, some sort of strain in our conversations. It was not like we both went out of our way to make the other uncomfortable, but sometimes a sentence here, a dismissal there made me, at least, feel really frustrated. Sometimes it was because she wouldn't get my point, or sometimes it was me dismissing something she probably thought was important and sometimes it was because of both of our egos never relenting and neither of us wanting to accept being wrong. She's never said directly she was angry, but even through words sent through the net, I could tell there was something wrong. There would be curt, one worded replies, sarcastic remarks or the sudden change in topics - maybe I am paranoid, but I do feel slightly sad. I know I'll never ask her what's wrong (she'll probably just reply 'nothing') and any sympathy I can never accept. I guess this is the problem that comes with being so similar - we get so frustated with each other but neither does anything cause we're so damn tactful/nice/polite.
Somehow the situation has reached a slight crescendo lately. She's been going on about liking Jpop, watchin dramas and romantic comedies. She's also been chatting online with lots of people from Japan (guys too I've noticed) from the names she throws at me and I daresay, spends more time chatting to them than me lately. Sure, all of this sounds normal for a teenager, but somehow I feel so angry, so frustrated and disappointed? by all of this. I feel inadequate - inadequate because me being the friend who used to chat with her endlessly throughout highschool about ridiculous things can now not even able to sustain a 10min conversation online without changing the topic 5-6 times or saying weird stuff just to keep the conversation more 'lively'. I am not Japanese, nor am I a guy. I don't like romantic stuff and dramas tend to bore me (cliche anyone?). We don't seem to click anymore. What she says about a particular Jpop clip or romance drama/anime leaves me lost, unable to say anything that is not derisive. What I say about my favourite bands there seem to be less enthusiasm, or maybe the feeling of fake enthusiasm.
And then comes the Jap guys. I know she's interested in Japan and Japanese people and all of its idiosyncrasies and that she's a very sociable person, but one does get a feeling of rejection when their friends talk to Japanese people more so than to them and then tells them about what they have been talking about because there's nothing else interesting said in the conco with said friend. I am childish in my ways - is talking to someone overseas who you have never met more important than a high school friend? What do they talk about? Something that I can never offer perhaps - I feel like I'm missing out, that there is a secret she has discovered that me, being the introvert that I am, cannot reach because I will never talk to random Japanese people online. The feeling of inadequacy seems to hang around a lot lately.
Maybe I am just an idiot. I like keeping things the way they are and get angry when things change, I get angry, not relenting and wanting to let go. I don't want to let a friend go, even if she's not physically gone. Again, I am childish in my ways. I get overemotional and irrational when I do. Am I reading too much into this situation? Probably. But it won't stop me from feeling that way.
Damn it's late. I'll post this now - post it before I lose my balls and delete everything.
Some other thoughts have been bothering me lately too. It seems like I'm the only one, beside from C, who doesn't want a love interest at the moment. For instance, a friend (let's call her P) whom I've known for quite a while and chat regularly has now somehow become a romantic of some sort. It had just been a year and a bit ago that we were together, talking and laughing about Jrockers/Viskei and their peculiarities and how Saga's latest FM shot left nothing to the imagination. It was those moments that I truly felt made my high school years so memorable and endearing.
Time goes by, she went her ways after yr 12 while I was still doing my VCE. We still met up occasionally, but otherwise chatted mainly over MSN. But soon, I discovered some sort of tension, some sort of strain in our conversations. It was not like we both went out of our way to make the other uncomfortable, but sometimes a sentence here, a dismissal there made me, at least, feel really frustrated. Sometimes it was because she wouldn't get my point, or sometimes it was me dismissing something she probably thought was important and sometimes it was because of both of our egos never relenting and neither of us wanting to accept being wrong. She's never said directly she was angry, but even through words sent through the net, I could tell there was something wrong. There would be curt, one worded replies, sarcastic remarks or the sudden change in topics - maybe I am paranoid, but I do feel slightly sad. I know I'll never ask her what's wrong (she'll probably just reply 'nothing') and any sympathy I can never accept. I guess this is the problem that comes with being so similar - we get so frustated with each other but neither does anything cause we're so damn tactful/nice/polite.
Somehow the situation has reached a slight crescendo lately. She's been going on about liking Jpop, watchin dramas and romantic comedies. She's also been chatting online with lots of people from Japan (guys too I've noticed) from the names she throws at me and I daresay, spends more time chatting to them than me lately. Sure, all of this sounds normal for a teenager, but somehow I feel so angry, so frustrated and disappointed? by all of this. I feel inadequate - inadequate because me being the friend who used to chat with her endlessly throughout highschool about ridiculous things can now not even able to sustain a 10min conversation online without changing the topic 5-6 times or saying weird stuff just to keep the conversation more 'lively'. I am not Japanese, nor am I a guy. I don't like romantic stuff and dramas tend to bore me (cliche anyone?). We don't seem to click anymore. What she says about a particular Jpop clip or romance drama/anime leaves me lost, unable to say anything that is not derisive. What I say about my favourite bands there seem to be less enthusiasm, or maybe the feeling of fake enthusiasm.
And then comes the Jap guys. I know she's interested in Japan and Japanese people and all of its idiosyncrasies and that she's a very sociable person, but one does get a feeling of rejection when their friends talk to Japanese people more so than to them and then tells them about what they have been talking about because there's nothing else interesting said in the conco with said friend. I am childish in my ways - is talking to someone overseas who you have never met more important than a high school friend? What do they talk about? Something that I can never offer perhaps - I feel like I'm missing out, that there is a secret she has discovered that me, being the introvert that I am, cannot reach because I will never talk to random Japanese people online. The feeling of inadequacy seems to hang around a lot lately.
Maybe I am just an idiot. I like keeping things the way they are and get angry when things change, I get angry, not relenting and wanting to let go. I don't want to let a friend go, even if she's not physically gone. Again, I am childish in my ways. I get overemotional and irrational when I do. Am I reading too much into this situation? Probably. But it won't stop me from feeling that way.
Damn it's late. I'll post this now - post it before I lose my balls and delete everything.
anxious
enthralled
accomplished